“As a single footprint will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep, physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over again the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.” ~ Thoreau
I couldn’t think of the right way to write on paper what I was thinking…then I stumbled along this quote which pieced it all together perfectly.
A while back, roughly ten months ago and before then I lived in constant fear. I had no idea what fear was. If you would have asked me about what I thought of the idea of fear, nothing was scary, I could handle any task and I was a bit of a daredevil! I worked out every single day, sometimes three times a day! I made lots of friends out at the bars, football/baseball games and life was one big fantastic party. I had never broken a bone ever in my entire life…I had never even sprained anything…When I had to break up with someone I put on my huge mask of strength and said “F*** it!”. Did I know or fear God? No. I had no fears remember? If friends left my life, they were easily replaced and if I failed at anything…well obviously that’s not what I should be doing and basically….”ON TO THE NEXT!”
So disturbingly fearless….
I look back today and it’s funny to see my perception and how skewed it was. I only knew fear. I played things safe, I stayed small, I never had an opinion of my own. ever. I realize now that I have changed a lot whether it was from getting sober or growing older or both, I know now that once we take a different route, we must keep walking. Change may happen quickly or slowly but we must keep trekking. Positive thoughts, positive change, positive life.
“Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins”
“What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it”
Today I still fear things but I do not live in ignorance of my fears. In the past I would workout a few times a day not because it felt good, but because I was insecure with myself. I lived in fear of getting fat, I lived in fear of caring what others thought of me. I have seen the transformation so clearly especially in writing this blog. Every day I want to write but I don’t like the name of my blog because if you haven’t noticed already, this isn’t a blog about just fitness….and no I am not a personal trainer nor do I care about ever being one. I don’t want to compete in a fitness competition, I don’t believe in crossfit, and I don’t have some special diet that I follow to stay in shape.
I used to have fears in my relationships with others. I wanted to people please, I wanted to be liked…be loved. I wanted the man I was dating to be the person that would sweep me off my feet and put a rock on my finger…I didn’t even know why I thought this. Even when in a relationship, when a boyfriend treated me poorly, I would stay and hope he changed, and basically just was scared to be alone. I was so afraid to be alone. I would procrastinate leaving them like the quote above….to the point that it would eventually cause erosion to my confidence and then I was left with no self-worth and no identity.
Did you all realize this was going on while I was writing here? It’s been almost two and a half YEARS. Holy moly…..time sure does go quickly. So that brings us to where I am now. I see fear, I feel it, I overcome it and realize that life is okay now. I have a God of my understanding and with him, there is nothing to fear…
I have solid friends and an amazing relationship with my family that beats the army of acquaintances I used to surround myself with. I now go on dates and can tell if I like the guy or not…and tell him when it doesn’t work. (Old me used to be just satisfied with them actually being interested in me that I never thought about what I wanted from them.)
I speak my mind.
I have ups and downs with my body image still….but I recognize them now. I still do lots of yoga, and love running with my dog and paddleboarding with my parents…but my life is now about the importance of BALANCE.
I don’t really need to try too hard when I’m being my true authentic self…I no longer need to pretend…We have this small space in time on earth and we need to focus on what makes us happy who makes us happy, and treat each other with kindness and respect. We can’t just expect a life that we want. We have to get clear on what works and what doesn’t, and be willing to change if necessary.